Why I Hate The Eagles

THE EAGLES...

So, I may be in the minority here, but I doubt it.  I think secretly some of you agree with me.  You may not want to admit, but it doesn't make it false.  When certain songs come on the radio, you turn the station.  And more often than not, those songs are by the Eagles.

I, personally, hate The Eagles.  Not all of them, not as individuals.  I rather like Joe Walsh, he is from Cleveland, after all.  His solo work, his work with the James Gang, his appearances on the Drew Carey Show.  All excellent work.  Seems a fun guy, doesn't take himself very seriously.  But then again, I can't understand what he's saying half the time.  Have you heard an interview with him recently? 

And Glenn Frey.  When he was in Miami Vice?  He was great.  "Smuggler's Blues" is a great song, and an even better 80's video.  Seems like a good guy, someone you'd have a beer with.  And nobody looks better with a five o'clock shadow, posing as a drug smuggler, standing in front of a dilapidated airplane.  May have been the highlight of his acting career, but what a highlight!

Don Henley?  Meh.  He's best known for the praiseworthy "Boys of Summer", laudable charity work with the Waldo Woods Project, and the forgettable and regretable "All She Wants To Do Is Dance".  Plus he's an unsufferable bore.  Something about this guy chaps my hyde.  Seems like he's a jerk for some reason.  And that reason?  See this quote when someone dared mention that wine isn't a spirit (in reference to Hotel California).

"My only regret would be having to explain it in detail to you, which would defeat the purpose of using literary devices in songwriting and lower the discussion to some silly and irrelevant argument about chemical processes."

So, he's an asshole.

And who could forget the other guy...  (I know his name, but why show off...)



But The Eagles as a whole...I find them overdone.  Trite.  Cliche.   Turn on any classic rock station and I dare you to go ten songs straight before The Eagles come on.  Now, I get Led Zepellin every ten songs.  That's classic rock.  The Beatles?  The Stones?  Of course.  Throw Pink Floyd in, and you've got the Final Four of classic rock.  But after those four, the pool is diluted.  There is a big difference between the big four, and anyone else that follows. 

"Their music is iconic", some would say.  "They are singable songs that everyone know", others chime in.  "It reminds me of when I was growing up" many would quip.

A.  If iconic means a slow blend of rock and country, I'd have to agree with this.  I'd even agree that their music pleases the masses.  But is that a goal?  To please the masses?  But remind you, religion wasn't truly the opiate of the masses, sorry Mr. Marx.  (That's Karl Marx, not Richard Marx, because that is a whole different conversation).  I'd say that having broad based commercial approval is not something you look for when one is composing music.  Some people are looking for fame and fortune, others just want to play music.  I think the Eagles get penalized for their success.  Especially by me.

B.  Singable is for Elmo.  Singable seems to work for children's music, hymnals, and commercial jingles.  I want to think about music.  I want to notice nuance.  I want to be drawn to the music for reasons I cannot explain.  I don't want something that the voice in the back of my mind sings.  I want to sing it to the top of my lungs, or it least under my breath so my wife and kids don't notice. 

C.  You know what music I remember from growing up?  One grandmother singing polkas - "I don't want her, you can have her, she's too fat for me."  Clever little ditty. The other grandmother sings Ronnie Milsap - "Rocky Mountain Rain".  Nothing like a little crossover country to set a young man's mind at ease.  Hell, I grew up with the Bee Gees playing.  Who cares about the music you heard growing up.  it was mostly crap.  I mean seriously, how bad was 80's music? 


Still not convinced by my vitriol?   Here's a top ten list (averaged out from 10 lists I pseudo-scientifically researched online).  Seriously, it sucks.

10.  Take it easy - First of all, seriously, who has seven women on their mind?  And how is this a problem.  If you are getting that much tail, what are you worried about?  I'm trying to remember if I ever had the opportunity to think about 3 women at one time.  Nope, never happened before.  Secondly, who's ever seen a hot girl, in a flatbed Ford, in Winslow Arizona?   Who's been to Winslow, Arizona????  I bet people from Winslow haven't even been to Winslow.

9. Peaceful Easy Feeling - Who likes sparkling earrings?  Who looks at earrings?   Ridiculous.  Ever sleep in a desert?  it's freaking cold.  This song is slow, methodical and dull.  Jameson gives me a peaceful, easy feeling as I'm holding down the couch, or as I sleep in a hammock on the beach.  Are the Eagles writing all their songs for women?  Maybe that's something I missed.  All of their songs are for chics. 

8.  Witchy Woman - "Wooo hooo witchy woman"?   wooo hooo is a train whistle, or the beginning line of "Take the Money and Run" from Steve Miller.  Don't get me started on Steve Miller.  This song has great meaning from a Seinfeld sense, but not in a real music sense.  Is it a Halloween song, or isn't it?  And I'm coming around on the theory that all of their song's are written for women...

7. Best of my love - So let me get this straight.   After "Take it Easy" we go with three straight slow songs?  It's not my list (well actually it is) but I'll use it to my advantage.  It is impossible to waste your time on cheap talk AND wine.  You can waste your time on cheap talk, I'll give you that...  but not wine.  Wine makes everything better.  Unless it's Mad Dog 20/20 Grape Flavor, which is as close to wine as I got in college.  And it usually made me pass out and wake up on the roof with some sort of rash on my neck.  But enough about college memories. 

6.  One of These Nights  - Isn't this yet another slow song?   How many is this?  I've had three Jameson since I heard a song with a beat.  Searching for the daughter of the devil himself?  Try my ex.  Searching for an angel in white?  Why?  You'll likely spill your drink, stain the white, and she'll leave the bar with another guy.  Just sayin'.   Another "woooohoooo" in here.  I'm thinking that they got board writing and added some ooh's and ahh's to fill the space between crappy lyrics and slow strumming.

5.   Take it to the Limit - It's a slow song?  No kidding.  What's going on here?  "You can spend all your time making money, You can spend all your love making time"   Ok, I spend all of my time making money, or at least trying to.  Isn't this the American dream?  How can you spend all of your love making time?  What the hell does this mean?  I'm baffled. It's yet another song that is written to/for a woman.  I think I've stumbled upon the fact that all Eagles songs were an attempt to get laid.   I'm sure this is a song about a guy looking for a girl at last call.  He's out of options and he's willing to "take it to the limit" by finding an ugly chick.  A solid 4 to take home, and pray she leaves before morning.  Better yet, go to her place and avoid the 13 cat's that inevitably live there.

4.  Lyin' Eyes - I give up.  Seven frickin' slow songs in a row.  WTF.  I'm seeing a trend here now.  Anyone else?  Did Kenny Rogers write this?  It sounds like Conway Twitty.  And look at them brooding on the cover of the single.  Is that Black Sabbath, or the Eagles?  They look like they are going to start a bar fight.  Or dress in leather for an S&M bar.  The song is about a woman who cheats.  But doesn't go anywhere.  No one seems to be blamed, nothing happens.  She leaves her husband, who appears to know, and visits her lover.  And nothing happens.  "Hey Joe", that's a song about cheating.  And resolution.  I'm not advicating violence, especially murder, but it certainly makes the song more interesting.

3. Life in the Fast Lane - Ok, finally here we are.  A song you can sink your teeth into.  Drugs, women, parties.   This is the quintessential party song.   I liked this song when I was 13 years old, it was that cool.  And it's still cool today.  I means seriously, we mention popping pills and lines (of blow) on the mirror.  Great guitar riff, driving beat...  I dare you not to push the speed limit just a little while listening to this song.  "Doctor say's he's coming but you gotta pay in cash"?  Who HASN'T been in that situation before? 

2. Desperado - Wow.  We went from driving forceful song, to a song that is so slow it practically goes backwards.  You know the secret messages in this song when it's played backwards?   The lyrics are "Desperado, why don't you come to your senses".  That's how slow it is.  And look at the cover photo for the single.  My family took one of these photos in Gatlinburg one year, novelty shot of us all dressed like cowboys.  It wasn't cool when I was 15, and it's not cool for a rock n' roll band.  Ever.  The only band that should dress up, ever, is KISS.  or Mini KISS.

1. Hotel California - I struggle with this.  Good song, smart lyrics.  Poetic even.  But...  Can a song truly be great if someone covers it and the cover is better?  The Gipsy Kings recorded a version of Hotel California and it's fast, peppy and upbeat.   It's just a great all around effort.  Plus, it's featured in the Big Lebowski.  So that counts for something.   I like this song, it's filled with great imagery.  This song has depth.  Is it about heaven and hell?  Is it about the American Dream consuming us?   Is it about Los Angeles?  Avarice, waste, abuse, indulgence?   I'd say yes, to all those things.  But when we get right down to it, can a song be great if the original is not as good as a cover???  


So, in review.   Their top ten songs, and only two don't suck.  I call that damning evidence convincing me now more than ever of just how guilty the Eagles are of sucking.  I'd change probably 9 of these songs if they were to come on the radio right now.  Maybe 10, unless the Gipsy Kings are on.




(By the way, the fourth guy is Timothy B. Schmit.  couldn't help but mention it)